Conflict Resolution for Kids

Conflict is a part of life and, believe it or not, a part of healthy relationships. Teaching kids how to resolve conflict when it inevitably arises builds positive life skills. Learning conflict resolution through emotional regulation, empathy, and communication will help your kids throughout their lives. 

Teaching Kids Conflict Resolution

Everyone sometimes makes mistakes, disagrees, or unintentionally hurts someone’s feelings, which is true for kids and adults. Every relationship sometimes has conflicts, but learning to have healthy conflict makes all the difference. 

Kids can learn conflict-resolution skills at all ages. It can begin as young as toddlers but gets easier yet more complex as kids age. Working with your kids at each age level to learn skills to calm down, assess, and communicate to resolve a conflict are skills they will use their whole lives. 

When kids of all ages meet a friend with empathy they are and come together to move on from a problem, they build self-esteem and confidence. As a parent, these are invaluable skills to help your child with, although it’s just as important not to overstep into helicopter parenting. 

Part of conflict resolution for kids is letting them learn by trial and error, and the first thing to help them with is identifying when it’s time to ask an adult for help. When they come to you, help them decide if this is a big, medium, or small problem. 

What Size Is The Problem?

With most small problems, it works to simply find something else to do. Not every issue needs tons of attention. Once your child can decide on this independently, it’s so helpful for their regulation. Learning to take a deep breath, rise above, and let it go is essential for life! 

If a problem is medium or big, walking your kiddo through these conflict-resolution steps is a good idea. Some kids will need more help, and some will need less. This depends on age, developmental stage, emotional maturity, and impulsivity. 

It’s also important to note that regardless of age or stage, first assessing if they are hungry or tired is always a good idea. This is often a great place for adults to start, too! 

I’m always a fan of “less is more” when helping kids figure things out. Trial and error help kids learn conflict resolution better than anything. I recommend guiding them through this process and letting them take the lead in decision-making. They can try it and come back if they need more help.

The only caveat is if the conflict escalates into a physical fight or harm, such as pinching or hitting. That is when a parent or caregiver needs to initiate intervention.

Feelings First

When your child approaches you with a problem, the first step is to help them identify their feelings and use their calm-down tools if necessary.

Somatic exercises can really help ease stress. For young kids, a feelings chart or emotions thermometer can also be very helpful. 

Identifying when they are angry, unregulated, or upset is helpful for a kid to know when it’s time to ask for help or take a break. First, recognize the emotion and use calming strategies like deep breathing, mindfulness, and taking a walk. 

Identify the Problem

Once emotions are checked, it’s time to help your child identify the problem. It’s always a good idea to hear them out first and then ask questions like: 

• “What happened right before this incident?”
• “How did this make you feel?”
• “How do you think your friend is feeling?”

This will help get to the root of the actual conflict, which might go deeper or farther back than your child realizes.

Younger children especially will benefit from this part of the process. Older children might need more help reducing the details of the conflict to get to the heart of the matter. 

Once the true problem of the conflict is identified, make sure to acknowledge and respect any differences of view, feelings, or expectations between the kids. Sometimes, it’s hard to understand another person’s perspective, and a little bit of empathy goes a long way.

The younger kids learn empathy, the kinder world we will have in the future.

Find Solution Ideas

There is never only one right way to solve a problem or resolve a conflict. Brainstorm some possible solutions with your child. Maybe they don’t feel as strongly as their friend, and they can relent. Or the other way around. 

If someone has had their feelings hurt in the process, it’s important to acknowledge that and find a middle ground as part of the apology and conflict resolution.

Also, consider the outcomes of each solution and everyone’s feelings if that outcome happens. Ask your child what they think each person needs to find common ground. 

Sometimes, a boundary needs to be set. Boundaries are not meant to control the other person; they are, in fact, about our own behavior. A boundary for a child can be as simple as saying that if their friend does something that makes them uncomfortable, they themselves can find something else to do. 

Remind your child that “No.” is a complete sentence. If another child is doing anything that makes them uncomfortable, your child can always remove themselves from the situation. We can’t control what others do, but we do have a say in our own response.

Communicate

Communication is key and can be the most challenging part for some kids. Some people feel that communication in itself is conflict and confrontation. However, to move to the other side of an issue in a healthy way, communication is necessary. 

Practice “I statements” with your child. They are a simple formula that makes communication around conflict easy without blame and hostility. Here’s how it works:

“I feel (identified feeling) when (identified conflict) happens because (name why). I would appreciate it if we could (resolution strategy).”

Role playing a hypothetical conversation can help some kids. Making some bullet points to remember what they want to say can also be a useful tool. This isn’t to have facts to prove a point; it is to help them remember their I statements and to respond with empathy.

Even with an I statement, talk to your child about being open to the other person’s ideas. It might change how your kiddo feels, and their friend might have a solution they hadn’t thought of. Active listening is just as much of a part of good communication as talking.

Another communication strategy that I love is using a peace stone. Essentially, it is a stone that, when passed back and forth between the two conflicted children, each one only speaks when they hold the stone. It’s a beautiful way to practice peaceful communication and active listening. Using a peace stone is a really good place for kids to start.

If an apology is necessary, have your child work on an empathetic response focusing on self-reflection and changed behavior.

Be A Role Model

Lastly, a wonderful way to walk a child through peaceful conflict resolution is to model it for them. If you and your partner, friend, or another child have a conflict that is age-appropriate for other kids to be aware of, show them the process as you work on it together. Example makes a great teacher!