How to Talk To Your Teen Effectively

Parenting teens can be tricky, and effective communication can make a huge positive impact on your teen’s life. Navigating how to communicate and talk to your teen isn’t always easy, so use these strategies to not just talk to your teen but communicate effectively.

Help Me Talk To My Teen

In Maggie Dent’s book Help Me Help My Teen, she clearly outlines some really great strategies for how to effectively communicate with your teen. 

With these helpful tools for talking, listening, and guiding your teen, Dent paves a beautiful pathway to approaching some of today’s most difficult topics that teens face. 

This book will help you get your teenager who doesn’t want to talk to engage with you and help you communicate without arguing or solving your teen’s problems for them. 

Behavior is Communication

It’s important to identify a few behaviors to avoid when talking to your teen. Behavior is communication, and that goes for both of you. Set the tone by not practicing these behaviors when approaching your teen with a difficult topic. 

These are examples of ineffective communication:

• Lecturing
• Nagging
• Speaking disrespectfully 
• Yelling
• Criticism 
• Guilt

When you’re chatting with your teen, and they aren’t responding, it may begin to feel like a lecture. When you have to ask your teen a zillion times to pick up their socks, it feels like nagging. 

Parenting teens is hard, and finding a way to approach them so they will respond to you is the key to effective communication. Let’s agree not to start any conversation off on the wrong foot and fall into these negative communication habits! 

Here’s how to improve communication habits for a happier home with your teens.

Connection Is The Key

“The more connected any child is with their significant caregiver, the more likely they will respond to your guidance.” – Maggie Dent

Communication is largely an unconscious act driven by a need for connection with others.

Good communication leads to warm relationships, emotional safety, cooperation, and feelings of self-worth. Poor communication can cause conflict, a sense of disconnectedness, and sometimes a feeling of being less than worthy. 

Communication is not just talking and words. So much more inference happens when we communicate, such as tone, body language, and intention. Studies in neurolinguistic programming (NLP) suggest that communication is around 55% physiology, 38% tonality, and 7% words. According to this, actions do speak louder than words!

Physiology

Since physiology is the biggest influence, this is a good place to start with beginning good habits for talking to your teen. It’s important that you are comfortable, and they are comfortable. 

The ability to have an open, warm, and safe presence is incredibly helpful. Some people come by this naturally; for some, it is learned. 

Using non-threatening body language helps us project ourselves in an approachable way. Instead of standing with your hands on your hips or arms crossed, when it’s time to talk to your teen, try these calming body languages:

• Lean on the counter casually. 
• Sit comfortably on a couch. 
• Sit on the floor in their room. 
• Go for a walk – side-by-side interaction takes the pressure off. 
• Have a cup of tea together.

Make sure your actions match the presence you want to put forward to create an open space for communication. Stay present by keeping your phone away and having notifications turned off. 

Try to be natural, even if it doesn’t feel natural yet. It will in time. Your teen will think something is weird or off if you display unusual over-enthusiasm and attentiveness.

Tonality

Your tone is the second biggest influence, including how you say things and how loud you are. Keeping a calm tone, a chill demeanor, and an inside voice leads to an unstressed teen. 

If you usually use a calm and quiet tone to your voice, your teens will know they’ve crossed a line when you speak with more seriousness. However, if your home has frequent yelling or raised voices, your teen will tune you out to regulate their stress. 

Set The Intention

The intention behind talking to your teen can vary, and the little chats and check-ins are just as important as the big conflict-resolution talks. Create meaningful connections with your teen by regularly asking how their day was, asking for clarification of anything they’re saying, and knowing about what is going on in their lives.

This paves the groundwork for when you must have a more challenging talk. Some typical teen conflict is bound to crop up, and having a secure bond and trusting connection is necessary. 

Common conflicts that arise tend to be about curfew, driving and car privileges, grades, and substance use. Then there are more serious topics such as self-harm, sexuality and gender identity, mental health struggles, and suicide (all covered in Help Me Help My Teen).

No matter the topic, big or small, it is imperative to keep calm, show respect, and have a connection. Then, when it’s time to have a big or serious conversation, have a plan for: 

1. When: Pick a good time for your teen’s mood. Probably not right after school, when they’re hungry or at the dinner table with the whole family. Timing matters.
2. What: Set your intention of what you need to discuss when talking to your teen. 
3. How: Find a comfortable setting. Maybe walk the dog together after dinner or have a cozy chat before bed.

Build Trust

“Trust is the belief in someone or something’s ability, strength, truth or reliability.” -Maggie Dent

Building trust with your teen is imperative. All healthy and supportive relationships are built on trust. Your teen needs to know that you’ll always have their back and love them, even if they make a mistake. 

The best way to build your teen’s trust is to practice the communication and connection skills above. Show interest in their lives. Consistency is key, and trust comes with effective communication, reliable boundaries, and a loving response.

Don’t take your teen’s trust lightly, and make sure they know that they are safe with you. If they tell you something in confidence, keep it to yourself. The only time that should be broken is if their or someone else’s life is in danger. Otherwise, you should be a safe harbor for them. 

Another great piece of advice from Dent in Help Me Help My Teen resonated with me: don’t share your teen’s life online without their consent. Think twice about that social media post, even if it’s a brag about them. Asking them first builds their trust, teaches them consent, and gives them agency.

How To Talk To Your Teen

A great way to encourage more conversation with your teen and make them responsive is to use “door openers.”  Tell them what they are talking about is interesting, and ask them to tell you more. 

Ask clarifying questions, and match their physiology and tone. If they are flabbergasted by something, respond in kind with a “WTH?!” Be in tune with what they are saying and experiencing.

How to Talk About Difficult Topics

It’s important to use “I” statements in any effective communication. “You” statements tend to trigger blame. Starting with positive feedback first always helps when you’re having a difficult conversation. 

Try using this formula to get something across to them in a way that won’t trigger an argument or a shut-down:

“I feel…when…because…”

If you approach them with an empathy, your teen will be much more willing to talk to you. They’ll feel understood. Point out that it is more difficult to be a teen today than it was when you were. It’s true! If they are sharing how they feel, validate their feelings by telling them how they feel is understandable, and in the same situation, you’d feel the same. 

If you need to ask your teen to do something, make a request rather than command or demand. A small-stakes example could be: “I noticed your backpack and school work on the table, can you pick them up now, or is before dinner better?”

Positive noticing with validation is a great way to encourage cooperation without blame. Respectful arguments require a fully developed brain, and brains don’t reach full development until they’re in their 20s.

Avoid an argumentative teen by asking them to give you time to think about an issue. If you can see they’re getting frustrated, or it’s a hot-button issue, set a time to return to the conversation when you know they will be calm. 

Another way to help your teen engage in calm and respectful communication is to introduce them to mindfulness activities. This practice will give them lifelong skills to manage their own emotions in a healthy way. 

Autonomous Problem Solving

“The more opportunities that our teens have to solve their own problems, the better they get at problem-solving.” – Maggie Dent

Some people might find the thought of backing up and letting their teen make their own decisions really scary. We can see the consequences from a mile away, and we often have lived experience to understand the world. 

However, we can’t, and shouldn’t, protect our teens from ever having any consequences. Plus, it’s imperative to acknowledge that there isn’t always just one solution to a problem. Your teen navigating their solution will not only teach them life skills, but you may learn something new, too. 

Here are some of the best ways to communicate and encourage autonomous problem-solving with your teen:

1. When expressing big feelings, ask if they just need to vent or help with the problem. If they are venting, simply listen and empathize. If they express they need help, guide them without jumping in to solve it. 
2. Ask if they’ve given any solutions some thought, and hear them out.
3. Ask them why this issue is important to them and what actions they’re most willing to try first. 
4. Make sure they know that there is always a next step if the first solution doesn’t work as intended. Ask them what their plan B is if plan A falls flat. 
5. Encourage them to sleep on it. Anything that isn’t on fire can wait until the morning when we have clear heads. Then, follow through with a quick morning check-in.
6. Lastly, ask how you can best support them. This will help you gauge how involved you should be, whether it’s just sitting on your hands and allowing complete independence or if they want you by their side.

Helping teens solve their problems, being flexible about the outcome, and planning what’s next will help them mature and learn to be adults. Focus on the process, not the result. This essential life learning is best for them to do while they still reside in your home and have you as a safety net. If given this opportunity as teenagers, they will be much more capable adults.